If I used Twitter...

Then, I am certain that I would tweet that I just fell up the stairs and poked my boobs with a banana. That is all.

How to Make Hell and Get Out Alive

I'm not quite sure where to start. Over the last couple of months things have not been easy.


These are the ingredients you will need to replicate this recipe:
A large cup of self-doubt (to be topped up whenever confidence is rising)
One diagnosis of clinical depression
Unlimited amounts of therapy and support
69 pages of raw emotion in the form of a diary (add throughout)
One very painful break-up
A friendship with an ex
The strength to get over the worst of the depression (amount required depends on personal brand)
A million deadlines
A couple oral exams of varying difficulty
A dollop of exam stress (works well accompanied by panic)
A bad and dangerous habit (to be added in moderation)
A sprinkling of laughter, coming from the inside out

If these are added in a reasonable order the Will to Live Life should be rediscovered within an undefined amount of time.

A Severe Lack

For me to blog frequently, I have to feel good at least 50% of the time. At the moment I'll be lucky to get a good 10%. When I've got things sorted out so I don't feel like this, I'll blog again.

Don't hold your breath though.

Shit

It's just all shit.

The Cubicle of a Village Hall - Perception

I push her up against the wall and drag my fingers down her body, the palm of my hand massaging her breast. She gasps. Her fingers pull on my hair and I run my fingers into the slit of skin between her chaps and her shorts. Her lips part and her eyes close. My fingers play her and she moans. All I feel is the base of the music pumping through me and her nails making pulsing red lines of my skin.

***

Her petal nipples were pinched hard
Unflowered buds under my tongue
Her mouth sprung open
Revealing glimpses of syrup tongue

Her nails dragged down my back
Blood red stems pulsing on my skin
My feet rooted the floor
Delicate touches made her gasp and whither

A Revolution

Friday was shit. Not helped by a Conservative delusional (/politician) and a rebellious body.

Spent Friday night talking to my mum. She's concerned. We changed my mattress. I had a good nights sleep and mentally felt a little better Saturday. Still looked like death warmed up. Ate two mini pizzas, a box of pomegranate, a small bowl of blue berries , an apple and a banana. Looked a little healthier.

After work I got into my drag gear. A girl my age looked me up and down like I was filth. The women in mid-50s looked concerned. One asked if I was going somewhere nice (around the time I was dusting stubble on) and I said fancy dress and there was a collective "phew." I kinda wanna know what they would have done if I'd said, "just out with some friends" or "to a gay bar" or even better "family do."

I feel my costume did the job. I arrived and there was some cheering and the usual "what have you done?!" However my favourite reaction was when I said hi to a friend and she looked at me with a puzzled expression. She carried on for a good 10 seconds before it clicked, and she gasped and her body jolted away from me. She had not recognised me at all.

It was good to see everyone (and as per usual Sara and I familiarized ourselves with the toilets) and the birthday girl seemed pleased with her present (condoms and chocolate), but by 9 I was feverish and head achy and just wanted to go home. My mum picked me up at 10. It was good fun.

Know Your Languages

My mother told me that I was having stir fry for dinner. Then around dinner time she told me she was too drunk to cook. I had chips and pizza. Lovely.

Baise-moi si j'ai tort, mais tu veux coucher avec moi, n'est ce pas?

Que me jodan si me equivoco: ¿tu quieres acostarte conmigo,no?

Fottimi se misbaglio, ma vuoi venire a letto con me, noh?

ich soll verflucht sein, wenn ich mich irre, aber di willst doch mit mir schlafen, oder?

Ik mag doodvallen als 't niet waar is, maar je wilt met me naar bed, hè?

Drag

I've decided a post a month was not an acceptable amount, so I'm going to try update daily again. I've mentioned things have been off with me, but I'm getting help and taking and eating things to get me back to normal.

On Saturday I'm going to a party with the theme of "Cowboys and Indians." I realised there is not a whole lot you can do as far as makeup is concerned, so I'm doing something a little different. While most people I know are going for the slutty cowgirl or your average cowboy, I'm going in drag. I've got some huge leather walking boots, mens jeans, mens shirt, bandages for strapping and a bandanna. I'm just waiting on a great leather hat. I also get some nice eye brows and stubble in there.

I'm quite a hot guy. Hell, I'd do me.

Long Time of Nothing

Things lately have been Difficult.

This song is making me cry.

The New Year

I've not been feeling good recently. I've been really tired and fed up with everyone and everything. I'm tired of not being able to walk home without getting abuse. I'm tired of not being able to tell people what I really want. And of having to meet expectations. I've run out of steam and I just want to sleep. I can't fight the world anymore. I couldn't face more deadlines and teachers tutting and people who weren't as miserable as me. I couldn't deal with more rules from teachers and the people I know and the people I don't who judge me anyway. People that dictate what I can or can't do because it's seen as the norm or the "right" thing to do. I didn't just reach my limit. I broke.