School

I have a truly frightful amount of work to do over the summer. I'm prioritising that with the scariest and/or most influential teachers.
I will never be done.
Ever.

I'll get back to school and I'll be so exhausted from all the work I'll look a complete wreck. Fantastic.

On a brighter note I went and saw Harry Potter and didn't hate it. Clearly I can't be a film critic.

Width, not Girth

I just encountered something. Something amazing.

Watch this.

Then tell me. How wide is yours?

Dying for my Cause

The other night, I walked to my nearest shop to get a snack. It was around 8 in the evening. I walked out with my purchases. As soon as I did the shouts from the chavs hanging out outside the shop started:

"LESBO! LESBIAN! LEZ!"

I did nothing.

I wanted to turn around and scream at them to stop being so fucking ignorant. For two reasons I just walked away. One: I was outnumbered 1 to 9. I'm not that stupid. Two: The shop is on the estate. Their estate. I'm not gonna single handedly attack 9 tipsy chavs on their ground. I'm not ready to die for my cause just yet.

Interview

I've just been offered an interview at a respectable company. I'm very excited. I might be able to work somewhere with decent pay. A place where my Boss doesnt turn up drunk or sexually harass me (actually, I'll miss that abit). Besides, a change would be nice.

Now what the hell do you say when they ask about your weaknesses?

Shopping

Today I went shopping with Lexy, Canada, L and one other who has no name on here. Sorry.

It was really great to be able to relax, eat and buy things. I got a denim skirt and a pretty dress as a birthday present from L and I got myself, skinny jeans, make-up and underwear (some for me, some for L; it was her birthday). It was a really great day.

Necessities

Today was strange. I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch. I had a big meaty dinner though. I did a fair bit work too. Dull day.

Today I'm feeling reminiscent. It's strange when something you've been feeling for a long time is whipped away from underneath you. You have to rebuild your thoughts. It takes time.

Napping

I napped twice today. I was outside cleaning out the guinea pigs. Then my mum was poking me,

"Time to wake up! Come on!"

I'd been out for a good 20 minutes. Clearly I can sleep anywhere.

A little later a had a proper nap. I had dreams. Nice dreams, friendly, happy, not sexy. That's rare.

The Tears That Salvaged Us

The last week has been rough. Today Sara came round. We talked. We cried. Mostly we cried. A decision was made, we're sticking with us for a while longer.

"Everything will be fine in the end. If it isn't fine, it's not the end."

Today wasn't our end.

Fresh Start

Just your average day...

I start by finding my new boss battered from the night before when he'd got in a fight with his boyfriend. When I saw him he was in the process of breaking into the kitchen because he'd forgotten his keys. He broke in, found his keys weren't there and went down in the food lift to see if they were down there. He found a set of keys, not his, and finally we got started. Customers drunk from the night before turned up and refused to leave so we ended up opening early. My coworkers were all drunk, beaten, bitchy or half-asleep. Most more than one. It continued to being manic for a good 4 hours, and then it slowed a little before becoming manic again.

However what really pissed me off, continually throughout the whole day was the following:


I didn't have a watch.

Just To Say

Canada came round here for a few hours today and we just talked. It was good. I'm exhausted, I forgot to nap. I'm also hungry. And horny. I will sort 2/3 of my problems.

A Goodbye

Last night was Canadas farewell party. Despite the fact that she was four and a half hours late (for various genuine reasons to be fair), it was alot of fun. It turned out incredibly well, there were tears at various times, for various reasons, but mostly we all had fun. It was a great evening. Even Sara made it for a few hours.

As it got later, I realised that there will allways be things you have to do alone. Noone else can sort it out for you, there is no magic formula. If you have friends around you, they may well want to, but it's your task, your quest. Nothing can change that.

While you work out what you need to do and how to do it, they'll support you. If you're lucky even those who wished you'd chosen something else may do. There are people all around you who will cross literal and metaphorical oceans to help you. These people are some of the most amazing people.

Although Canada is moving away, and only some will keep in touch, we'll all support her in any way we can. Just ask.

Unanswered Questions

Last night I had one of those phone conversations. The kind that go on forever and that change nothing. They make you cry and what was black and white before is a big grey mush now. All you do is make it harder to get up the next morning and you know, you just know that whoever said a problem shared is a problem halved was really drunk. And nosy.

Things change over time, people adapt with it, people adapt to each other, but how much is it ok to change before you loose sight of who you really are or find yourself pretending? You can only go so far before you're not the same person they wanted to be with to start with. How much of your own happiness can you afford to sacrifice to make someone else truly happy? Is there some magic formula to make this stop hurting?

G4

Today was the last day of school. It also involved a presentation and several situations that could have ended in cold blooded murder. With good reason if I'm honest. Still, as a group we do what's best for each other and everyone got full marks.

It's been a long and trying couple of days. G4 is only a little part of it.

Soaked All Day

No, more than usual. All morning, my legs were dripping wet and this afternoon I was covered within ten minutes.

I'm a tease. Sorry.

This morning was spent doing a science project in the river looking at water-bugs etc. It resulted in my being in water to my hips and chasing down a river after a meter ruler, almost falling over on several occasions, not being able to feel my toes for a good two hours and measuring the depth every twenty centimeters on a river that stretched 11 meters. May I also point out that this river was directly downriver from a sewage station. Nice.

This afternoon it rained. Hard. Mmm, big and hard. I walked outside and I was drenched through. I took shelter for 2 hours where I work. Had a hot chocolate. Yummy.

In other news, a guy accidentally shot a foam harpoon in my eye and it's starting to bruise nicely. Maybe I'll tell people Sara did it. It's usually me causing the pain though.

Same Old, Same Old

"Lesbo!"

The year 9's have arrived at school. They thought they'd be clever.

"Ok kids, here's the deal: I'm bisexual. You need to come up with a derogatory term for bisexual because right now, not only do you sound ignorant, you are also wrong. You have 5 minutes."

I walk away. When I pass again one of boys shouts.

"Muff muncher!"

I look at him. I smile. The blood drains from his face.

"Oh sweetie, I'd say the same to you, but no girl would go near your mouth. *I glance down him* or anywhere else really..."

I walk away. I know he's watching me open mouthed.

A Brief Update

Thursday
Dreamt that Canada came into my room and messed with the order of my photo albums. I screamed at her to get our my house, until I woke up family who wished to know why I was screaming. Woke up Friday morning still very much angry at Canada.
Friday
Last real day of school. Stayed over at Canada's with Lexy and Lucifer. I am having real issues with sleep, sometime during Friday night/Saturday morning I crashed on the living room floor. When the others wanted to go upstairs an hour or so later they woke up and I refused to get off the floor. I made them pull me up, but refused to coorperate. Eventually they dragged me out of sleeping and forced me up the stairs. I then plonked myself in the middle of the bed. We all had to fit in this space. I garbled about pillow space. They moved me to the side of the bed. I was twitching every three seconds and moved myself onto the floor. I was quite delirious. I have no recollection of any of that. I woke up the next morning on the floor. I was aware it was a floor, but also that it was not the living room floor which I expected.
Saturday
The day was spent listening to Lexy read out loud and feeling gross due to not being dressed. A proportion of time was dedicated to improv singing. A larger proportion was spent getting ready for a fellow INKs party. The party was an up-do. I spent the evening avoiding people I did not wish to share conversation with. I also socialised, both with people I know well and ones I wish to get to know better. I also stole a shirt. I have since then promised to wash and return said item of clothing. Even if I don't want to.
Sunday
The Boss' last day. I knew he'd been applying elsewhere. Today I found out that he's got another job. There is still a slim chance he'll stay if he gets offered enough money. He may still be there next week, but it's doubtful. It was a strange day. He gave me a goodbye gift in the shape of information about potential sackings. I'm safe, others that I know are not. We reminisced a little, but only briefly. In the time I've been working there he's been the only consistent member of staff for my shifts. I know that if I do not enjoy work without being shouted at and the general banter, I will find work elsewhere. The pay isn't great and if I'm not getting job satisfaction, I have no reason to stay.

Asleep

I would like to explain this exhaustion. While I do not know the cause, I can attempt to show the extent. Today I fell asleep during a lesson. This is not unusual. What is different is that I was the only student there. Not the only student sleeping, the only student. So I fell asleep in my lesson. I don't even think my teacher noticed.

Overload

Blogging has recently been very infrequent. This is because the nearer I get to the holidays, the more work I have to do. Right now I have to write a paragraph for English and 800 words for german. What fun. Tomorrow I have to write another 400 words for German. Ridiculous INK standards.

Also Sara, despite having the sickies, has gone insane with boredom and turned up to school. I sent her home. I don't want to get infected. I have work to do.

How To Be Invincible

I have just had 2 very average days. Nothing of interest happened.
Clearly this will not do.

Sara is ill. This is what happens when you are not invincible. Now, children, I realise only really amazing people can be invincible, but I have some tips to make it more likely.

Eat lots of popcorn
Play lots of tetris
Love yourself (in the physical sense)
Love yourself (in the metaphorical, look in all reflective surfaces sense)
Taunt people with what they can't have

Blood and Reactions

Last night I stayed over at Lexy's. I also gave blood. We both did.

I also learnt that in a nearby shithole, it's not acceptable for a girl to have short hair. Don't wanna see their reaction to "FUCK off, or my girlfriend and I will beat the shit out of you!"

Interesting how people react. At pride Sara informed me that several people checked me out, what caught her off guard is that they were female. There were two girls who stopped mid-conversation and gawped as they walked past. I had food and was oblivious. However, after eyeing me up, they then fearfully glanced at Sara as if she was going to beat them up. I realise she has bigger arms than me, but she's still not imposing, you know?

Going slightly off on a tangent, today I had a naked day. It was refreshing. Just saying.

A Ridiculous Boy

Today someone upset me. Fast forward less than two minutes they were running away. Allow me to explain.

"Alright lezzer?"
"Excuse me?"
"Err.. I said alright..."
*Sweet smile
"No you didn't. You said 'Alright lezzer.'"
"Err..."
*Marched toward him
"Point one, you will not refer to me as lezzer, lez, lesbo or dyke. I am bisexual. Point two, you will call me by my name. You will not discriminate on sexuality. Are we clear?"
"err."
*Death glare
"Good."

As one of my good friends pointed out, he looked like he peed himself a little. Don't upset the angry girl unless you can really handle it.

Sports Day

I have the day off because I'm not obliged to go. Thank God.

I have three big pieces of homework to do, clothes that need washing and a room that needs tidying. Why am I here?

Because sitting alone in my room and writing about having nothing to do is far better than doing any of the above. I did want to meet up with Sara and go bra shopping in a nearby chav infested town, however she had a driving lesson, etc.

This week I have practically been dying from exhaustion. I don't know why it was so bad this week, but staying awake in lessons has been a real effort. It wasn't even because the lessons were more dull than usual, I just couldn't this week.

Erotica for the 100th

1. A single drop of sweat trickled down her spine. My tongue followed the trail, curious about the journey. Her skin tasted of hot salt and yet so sweet and tangy like homemade lemonade. Tastes like sex. Her skin is glowing and her eyes are bright. I know what she wants. I want to tease her. Dangle it right in front of her, watch her face. Her eyes will focus on what she wants most. I’ll watch her writhe in anticipation until neither of us can take it anymore. She never knows I want it as much as she does until my lips touch hers and my body spasms at her touch. We are in unison. My hands on her soft skin, her breath is all I can hear. Nothing else matters. Just us. Just now.
2. His hands pull me closer. He knows what he’s done. I look him in the eye, I’m challenging his actions. He knows; he half smiles. He likes it too much. I slam him against the wall, hard. The impact makes him gasp and his eyes widen. He has that beautiful rabbit in the headlights look. I’d pay for that. I snarl at him. I push his shirt up and drag my nails down his front. I’m not being nice tonight. His hands snake over my hips, skin rough against mine. My hands firmly grip his wrists and pin them above his head. I use one hand to hold them there and my other wraps around his jaw. I push his mouth into an ugly pout. His skin moves like play-dough. He’s just my little toy. I look at him, my lip curls in disgust. I bite his neck. Hard. I can feel him shaking. I smile.
3. I glance over. You catch my eye. You have that look. The one that tells me you want me. I see that look everyday; people I pass in the street, people I’ve known for years. You’re something else. Something better. There’s more than greed, you’re beyond desperation. Your desire has savagely overwhelmed you. In the same way I will. I’ll savour every last scent and emotion. I’ll burn on your desire. Watch your flames swallow me up as I gasp for air, your touch choking me. I need you to steal me away. I need you as much as you need me. You blink, you turn. I’ll never see you again.
4. His touch was electric. I glanced at him and bit his lip. His hands slid over my hips and fingers gripped me firmly. His eyes were shining. He wanted me. His lips parted and he cocked his head. He pulled my shirt over my head. I felt his hot breath on my neck; his hands snaked around my waist. His fingers ran over my spine, easily undid my bra. Something kicked alive inside me. I pulled his shirt over his head, and pushed him against the wall, my mouth found his and adrenaline fuelled kisses followed. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me against the wall, his hands running all over me. My legs wrapped around his hips, my hands wrapping around his strong neck. I can feel him pleading to be inside me. I watch his face; he looks me straight in the eye. Slowly, deliberately he bites my neck. I gasp and tilt my head back, revealing my neck further. He knows I want it. His mouth ravaged me.
5. Her soft lips touched mine gently. My eyes shut. Her tongue slipped inside my mouth; the smooth underside tickled my lips. I could smell her skin. Hot and fresh: delicious. My fingertip ran across her jaw line. I let my senses take over. Her hand playfully stroked my neck and chest. My body tightened from her touch. As she kissed me, I got hotter. Starting like a slow boil in the pit of me, once it had started, nothing could stop it. In waves it rapidly washed out over my body. It grew up in direct stems to my breasts and branched out in delicate twigs of pleasure all the way up, until my skin was on fire and my hairs all stood up on end. I was an ocean of goose bumps. She can do that.

Pride

Quite easily the most fun I have ever had.

It was also quite exhausting and topped off with a 9-hour shift I'm pretty much done.

However allow me to summarize:

• Public makeout
• Doodling with coloured felt-tips on arms, neck, legs, chest, etc.
• Dancing with wonderful gay dance-buddy wearing emporio armani boxers
• Stripping to hotpants and a mesh bra
• Dancing with aforementioned friend, in aforementioned stripped form in front of few hundred cameras
• ...For almost 3 hours straight
• To then travel in that same stripped form on the tube to Soho and around London abit.
• To be surrounded by up to a million like-minded people

Fuck it was good.

Pride and the Rest of a Story

I accidentally got up an hour early (I don't know how it happens either), so I have some time to kill. I'm going to pride today. I haven't been this excited about anything for a very long time.

There are going to be plenty of rainbows and music, but most of all I'm looking forward to being in an environment where I can hold my girlfriends hand without being shouted at.

About that, I feel I left the story without a proper ending. Sara snapped, she wrote a very angry, but absolutely fantastic letter to our head of year explaining about the homophobic bullying we recieve everyday from students and how staff have not helped us in coming out, in fact some have been directly unhelpful. I'll see if I can post her letter on here, it'll be the best damn letter you ever read.

Yesterday morning Sara goes into our head of years office and puts the letter down on her desk as noone is around. She turns around and a member of staff who has always supported us is standing behind her, "pick up that letter."

She explains to Sara that although it's a bloody brilliant letter she is acting out of anger and that's the wrong way to go about it. Her, Sara and another member of staff who has always helped us have a long discussion concerning all of this and decide to do things a little differently.

The first teacher takes the letter to our headmaster and the second goes to see our head of year. Our head of year claims she was merely ensuring that younger students would not copy our behaviour and have physical relationships within school. Because, you know hand holding is just a step away from fucking with a big purple dildo in the middle of the school cafeteria. Our headmaster had a far more desirable reaction. He said that although he doesn't believe "kissing and kanoodling" has any place in school regardless of gender or sexuality, any student feeling victimized will have his support 100% and he has invited us to go and speak to him about the problems we've been having both from staff and students. We will almost certainly take him up on that.

I wonder why it took either of us so long to act on all this, but I know the answer. It just didn't seem right to complain about something we knew would happen. Having people jeer and shout at us everyday was always going to happen because we are the minority, but it's the 21st Century. I expected more from adults in an influential position and one of power. I've been let down.*










*This is not to say that no adults helped us through this, but they were as much of a minority as we are.

The Usual Ignorance

I walk past some chavvy girls towards Sara.

"She's a lesbian."
I turn.
"No. I'm bisexual."
I point to Sara.
"She's lesbian."
They stare in shock at Sara who came out of nowhere.

The Worst Yet

NOTE: I am still working on the 100th blog (It's a big one) and I wasn't planning on blogging until that had been posted however today was too important for that.

You see when my head of year starts dishing out homophobic remarks for hand-holding, I loose it.

Just walking along talking to Sara, holding hands.

"Girls - not in public!"
"What?"
"No hand holding in public!"
"Are you SERIOUS?! I would hold my friends hand in public!"
I shook my head in disgust and walked away with Sara.

What right does an authoritive figure have to let her own prejudices cloud over her judgement? She is influential and supposedly a role model. Essentially, she is encouraging other students to hurl homophobic abuse at the dykes. Everytime I think about it I get so mad I want to throw up.
I Hate Homophobia.

There is no excuse. None.

Upon hearing this story, Lexy suggested we have a day of everyone holding hands, hugging and cheek-kisssing like the French do. Anyone game?